Let’s do the time warp again, with Deadpool! – Chapter 4
Yesterday, Deadpool (that’s me!) broke into the Roxxon Corporation’s gizmo storage warehouse, killing enough guards along the way to earn some badness points. We/I stole the time helmet, and of course instantly put it on and pushed the button. Flash! Blammo! Icky icky icky icky ka-pang! Nee! And we’re standing on a metropolitan street corner in 1985. The smell of hair spray is choking, the neon head bands are abundant, …and of course, I am mugged only seconds later.
The Arranger, Master of Scheduling, pulls down my pants as Bullseye races by and snatches the time helmet from my hands. The Arranger isn’t in very good shape, though, and I tackle him. He starts to spill the beans about his boss, Kingpin, and the elevator needing a two-digit code and ack! he’s killed by a flying bowling ball. Crud. Now I need that code.
Step one is naturally, to break into Daredevil’s apartment because why not? He’s home of course, and also of course, he thinks I’m a burglar. I explain that I’m an Avenger… or was… briefly, and it didn’t work out. Yeah… that kind of hurt my feelings. And we fight! He has 3d6 to my 2d6 but against odds, I win (a 6 to his 4). He tells me a clue about the elevator code, and I move along.
My next stop is Josie’s Bar, a wretched hive of scum and vi… I better quit before I get sued by Disney. Looks like we have a gigantic BAR FIGHT!!!! on our hands! I fail a roll, and get my butt kicked again. The Punisher shows up and kills everyone, but I put on such a ludicrous display here that he won’t even talk to me. Between Daredevil hurting my feelings earlier and this new affront to my badassitude, my inner turmoil has now reached 5 sadness.
My last stop is the embassy and secret laboratories of the most feared rogue nation in the world — Canada. They don’t even lock their doors, hey? There’s a mad scientist who is clearly overly distraught, because there is no hockey on the TV and he’s not even that polite. He’s screaming something about their mechanical-and-genetic super-soldier abomination and oh for goodness’ sake it’s Grasshopper again.
This time he’s heavily armed though, and the next panel shows me being thrown out of the window. No clue for me, and I’m out of time.
I show up to the Fisk Building and two goons taunt me about guessing an elevator code. For some reason I am not allowed the option of killing my way up the fire escape, so I just have to guess…
Oh what the heck? I guessed correctly!
But before I can make much sense of anything, Bullseye jumps me and his 3d6 beat my 2d6 quite handsomely. I die, impaled on a sword, in a poor homage to a much more memorable and heart-rending death… My adventure ends here.
First published October 25, 2019. Last updated December 15, 2020.