I Are Deadpool! Part 2
We continue our playthrough of You Are Deadpool, because DP is awesome and why not? We broke into the Roxxon Corporation compound and stole the time helmet. Having been warned about how dangerous it is, naturally we instantly put it on and push the button.
Because of my little stunt of making DP crawl though a sewage pipe, the time helmet is affected by our concentration and emotions… and we find ourselves knee-deep in a swamp. According to the caption in the corner, it’s 1974 (those are helpful!). Some dude is LARPing as a wizard here all alone in the swamp, I guess trying to finish inventing D&D or something.
Whatever, dude, just give us the quest for this issue. The Nexus of Blah Blah Blah, go get five *gems from these five encounters and bring them back here.
First stop: A clearing where Swamp Thing holds our first *gem. Hey wait, that’s not Swamp Thing… that’s some cheap Marvel knockoff. WTF? Still, it’s hella strong: 5d6 to DP’s 2d6… but we take a fire extinguisher to him, then hit him when he’s down. Yeah! Our hero, ladies and gentlemen, is up one *gem.
Second stop: Dracula, a Werewolf, and Ghost Rider. And the Count is counting things again. Oh man, I hate when he does that. I also hate when it’s a three-on-one brawl and every bone in Deadpool’s body is broken. Yeah, sorry about that, guy… I go have a beer while DP crawls back to the wizard to grow back some bones.
Third stop: Nick Fury’s predecessor, I guess? Rufus Carter, star of the brand-new (in 1974) Master of Kung Fu comics. Oh, this is gonna hurt… But no, he’s actually really nice, and gives me the gem and some advice on how to kick someone in the junk. Solid, bro!
Fourth stop: Captain America fist-fighting Richard Nixon! Yeah, it’s 1974 and Watergate hit patriotism pretty hard. I step in and help with the fight, kicking Nixon to the curb and taking the *gem. Captain America walks off into the swamp. He’s gone… to look for… Amerrrrrricaaaaaa.
Fifth and last stop: This isn’t DC or Marvel, it’s ultra-violent British comics. The black and white panels show a time cop going all Judge Dredd on a bunch of radiation-zone punks, melting their flesh off with poisonous gas. Oh drokk! Wouldn’t Batman or Captain America just arrest them or something? Can DP heal from being melted with poisonous gas? I don’t give Wannabe Dredd a moment to find out; I throw mud in his eye, and kick his ass while he’s down. Another gem, and I skedaddle back to the center of the swamp…
First published September 25, 2019. Last updated December 15, 2020.
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